One last kiss, before I go…

I was so unsure of this trip. I was nervous, and the beginning was a little rocky when I got here.

But then everything fell into place. And to be honest, I don’t want to leave. It’s getting close for me to have to go, and I don’t know what is going to happen, or where this will go, but this was the best couple of days I have ever had. 

I’ve never had someone touch me with such passion. I have never been kissed like this. 

 There is a fire burning inside this man. I would love to find out more, but I don’t know what’s going to happen next. 

Enter the ninja

Player two entered my life about ten years ago through an online video game. We always talked, flirted, texted, facebooked, but neither of us were ever single at the same time. 

About a week ago, we both realized we were both finally single…

Sparks have always been there. But the past week, they have been flying like crazy. For the first time since my divorce, I have not been a train wreck. I have not been crying myself to sleep. I have had a smile on my face when I wake up, and when I go to bed. 

Why? 

I have something to look forward to. And someone caring about me.

Player two has given me something to think about. He lives four hours away, so I have never met him in person. In a week, I will meet him for the first time. And I am crazy nervous. 

We click like crazy. Attraction like crazy. My nerves are super shot. Super excited. Im so used to everything going wrong. I hope this trip goes right.

The truth.

Tell me what I’ve gotta do

There’s no getting through to you
The lights are on but nobody’s home 
You say I can’t understand
But you’re not giving me a chance
When you leave me, where do you go? 

All the walls that you keep building
All this time that I spent chasing
All the ways that I keep losing you

The truth is, you turn into someone else
You keep running like the sky is falling
I can whisper, I can yell
But I know, 
I’m just talking to myself
But I know, 
I’m just talking to myself

I admit I made mistakes
But yours might cost you everything
Can’t you hear me calling you home?

All the walls that you keep building
All this time that I spent chasing
All the ways that I keep losing you

The truth is, you turn into someone else
You keep running like the sky is falling
I can whisper, I can yell
But I know, 
I’m just talking to myself
But I know, 
I’m just talking to myself

All the walls that you keep building
All this time that I spent chasing
All the ways that I keep losing you

The truth is, you turn into someone else
You keep running like the sky is falling
I can whisper, I can yell
But I know, 
I’m just talking to myself
But I know, 
I’m talking to myself

Guilty by design she’s nothing more than fiction

I had a dream the other night. A vivid, colorful dream, which is odd, because I normally dream in black and white. I tried to tell the one I care- my roommate, about it, but he changed the subject and started talking about something else.

In this dream, I am setting up my phone for Facebook live. I turn it on and broadcast to the world that I am getting ready for a date with the man of my dreams

I start getting ready for this date all the while the camera is rolling, putting on make up, dolling myself up and putting on the expensive jewelry and wedding band my ex husband gave me.

I need to look like a million bucks tonight. Tonight I meet my destiny.

I am smiling the entire time, laughing while I talk to my viewers. I am so excited for this date!

The time has come for me to go. I stand up for every one to look at how beautiful I look one last time. I tell my mother who is watching that I love her. I tell a friend to let my ex husband view this video. I tell everyone how happy I am they could share this experience with me. 

A single tear rolls down my cheek, staining my face with eyeliner, as I reach for the gun on the dresser. I turn to the camera and say ” I have to go now, he’s waiting for me. And you all don’t want to see me leave anyways.” 

I cut off the live feed as I hold the barrel up between my red lips. I pull the trigger.

That’s when I woke up from this vivid dream. I remember the colors of every detail. 

Less than

I was told to be more positive, but the truth is, I don’t know how to feel right now.

I’ve been trying more than ever not to care. Not to let it bother me that another girl slept in his bed. But it does. And I can’t even bring myself to even sit on that side of the bed. I was just able to use his shower again yesterday. 

I’ve pushed all my emotions for him aside, and placed them in a box. I will not get burned again by being stupid. 

But tonight he came home and laid with me, and held me in my bed. It made me feel loved, for once in a long time. He asked me how it made me feel. I told him I felt “secure”. It was a bullshit answer. I’m not opening that box again. He told me I could kiss him. God, I wanted to, but I couldn’t. Something I wanted for so long, and I couldn’t do it. 

I just can’t open that box back up. 

All you left behind

I’ve been cursed, I’ve been crossed

I’ve been beaten by the ones that get me off

I’ve been cut, I’ve been opened up
I’ve been shattered by the ones I thought I loved

You left me here like a chalk outline
On the sidewalk waiting for the rain to wash away, wash away
You keep coming back to the scene of the crime
But the dead can’t speak and there’s nothing left to say anyway
All you left behind is a chalk outline

I’ve been cold in the crypt
But not as the cold as the words across your lips
You’ll be sorry baby some day
When you reach across the bed where my body used to lay

One step closer to the edge and I’m about to break

It was the nicest gift I had ever given anyone. 

I spent the day decorating the house, bought a cake and card. I didn’t get to celebrate his birthday before. His gift was two months late, and my ex husband was still in the picture. He has been out of town for a few days so it was a total surprise when he walked in. 

I’m not quite sure what I expected. I should have known better. I should be used to this by now.

He opened it, and loved it, custom fuse box cover for his charger. Engraved with his name. I’ve given thoughtful gifts but none ever this nice. He put it on right away, hugged me. 

Celebretory fuck. And then he’s out the door. 

I thought I would have gotten at least an invite? I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. Why even bother right? 

The whole day decorating. Spit in my face. I never did anything like this for anyone. And I’m treated like an afterthought. 

This is my last night fucking crying. My divorce is final. I start a shit ton of new meds tomorrow. And if I turn into a goddamn zombie, so be it. I’d rather be emotionless than to ever feel like this again. 

I’m going to force myself not to love him anymore.

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

The thing that hurts most about this divorce, is that he acts like I meant nothing to him. I met with him to sign the papers the other day, and he didn’t flintch. It was just another day for him. No regrets. No sadness. No emotion. Just sign this so I can get about my day. 

Well mother fucker, I’m glad four years of my life ment nothing to you and your family. 

This has left me in a state of misery that I can’t seem to explain. Mostly because of my friends abandoning me in my time of need. 

I really wish the one I care for was around more, but he is often gone, either at work or hanging with his own friends. It’s funny, he asks me for reassurance for some things when he is feeling down, yet I never seem to get any from him. I dare not ask. I don’t feel like it’s my place to. Maybe he just doesn’t care enough. I care an awful lot about him, which is why I don’t hesitate to reasure him in his time of need. 

I don’t know. I dont know how to get myself out of this hole. I’m constantly crying myself to sleep these days. I used to be so strong. So confident. Now I feel like a pile of shit. My soon to be ex husband really did a number on me. And my so called friends went right after him and walked over the remnants. 

He never cared about me. And it seems they didn’t either. It feels like very few people actually do. If anyone…

Every where I look you’re all I see, just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be

I’ve never felt so alone.

Everyone has all but abandoned me. I wake up. I go to work. I keep my head down. I come home to an empty house. I eat alone. I sleep alone. 

Rinse. Repeat.

No one calls or texts anymore. I just get nasty texts from my soon to be ex husband. Things I don’t deserve to hear.

I don’t understand what I have done so wrong?

Why has everyone left me?

My love, if I can even call him that, I fear he doesn’t even consider me anything more than a roommate he can occasionally fuck. Harsh, yes. I understand there will never be anything between us. But the few times he held me, and the few times he kissed me ment the absolute world to me. It lit up a darkness that can’t explain. 

I’m well beyond that darkness now. A bitter hatred and betrayal has settled in, and I have no idea how to crawl out of it.