Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me

Maybe I am trying to hard.

You don’t hardly touch me. You’ve only kissed me twice. I give but I feel like I’m not exactly getting the same reciprocated. 

It didn’t used to bother me, but with how lonely I have been lately, it really bothers me now. You’re the only one who is here for me, but when I need you the most, you’re so… Into your needs. 

I asked you today if you found me attractive, and you didn’t answer me. I felt the tears well up in my eyes, but I didn’t cry. I put on my fake face and braved through it like I normally do. 

I fucking hate myself for even feeling this way still. Fucking roommate. Friends. That’s all it’s ever going to be.

Passenger

Here I lay

Still and breathless

Just like always

Still, I want some more

Mirrors sideways

Who cares what’s behind?

Just like always

Still your passenger
The chrome buttons buckle on leather surfaces

These and other lucky witnesses

Now to CALM ME

This time won’t you please

DRIVE FASTER
Roll the windows down this

Cool night air is curious

Let the whole world look in

Who cares who sees anything?

I’m your passenger
Drop these down

Then put them on me

Nice cool seats

There to cushion your knees

Now to CALM ME

Take me around again

DON’T PULL OVER

This time won’t you please

DRIVE FASTER
Roll the windows down this

Cool night air is curious

Let the whole world look in

Who cares who sees what tonight?

Roll these misty windows

Down to catch my breath and then

Go and go and go just

Drive me home and back again
Here I lay

Just like always

Don’t let me

Go go go go go go go go go

Take me to the edge

You can’t see California without Marlon Brando’s eyes

I’ve never been told I was beautiful.

Not even on my wedding day. I spent hundreds of dollars, and hours on make up, and no one told me I was beautiful. 

No man has ever told me I was beautiful. They’ve just lustfully told me in my younger years that they wanted to fuck me. Now that I’m older, I haven’t even been told that I was pretty. I barely get looked at.  I went out on my birthday with my breasts half hanging out, and barely got half a glance.

I don’t get invited out. 

I may be an embarrassment. 

I’m not beautiful. 

I’m ‘one of the guys.’ 

The friend. 

Hello darkness, my old friend

My birthday was yesterday. 

I didn’t receive one text, or one phone call. No gifts. No dinners. No cards. Just the usual posts on Facebook.

The one I care so much for stayed with me during the day. That meant alot to me. Just having company. He later gave me free valet, free entry and free drinks at his club which was really sweet of him. He didn’t have to do that. 

But it is the little things that mean so much to me.

Do I mean so little to everyone now? Just a week ago, I had best friends. I called them everyday. They called me. They checked up on me. They were my family. 

What have I done so wrong?

I had to pick up a friend last night and do almost four hours of driving to do so to have somewhat of a decent time. I also had to sit through a drunken stupor of thirty adults not watching the children on my goddaughters birthday, on my birthday, watching her to make sure she was safe. 

I just want to know when everyone stopped giving a fuck? Or why they lied to my face and pretended to. 

Not one fucking phone call. Not even time for a quick text. 

Happy Birthday, Ash. 

Somewhere I belong

I’m wondering if I should just go back home to my mom’s at this point. I’ll be honest, I’m terrified.

I left him. I left the physical and emotional abuse. He threw the divorce word up again so I ran with it this time. I packed up and left. Which really shows true colors of people when it comes down to it. His dad was quick to cast me out. And his mother, wow what a piece of work. She got right up and started taking my photos off the wall before I could get out the door. What a family.

I’m safe. Secure. At the man I care so much for, his house. But I feel like such a burden. I don’t feel like I should have put this on him. 

My friends turned thier back on me. 10 year friendships, down the drain. 

I’m desperately hoping to get this job I’ve been pursuing. I’m pretty screwed if it doesn’t pan out. 

All the while I feel like I don’t belong…. Anywhere. Not here. Not there. I’m constantly alone with my thoughts. My mother my only confidant. I miss her guidance so very much. 

And this man, he’s done so very much for me, he doesn’t even realize how much. And I can’t thank him properly, or find the words… 

I feel like I’m going crazy. Maybe I do need to go back home. Find a job there. At least I know people haven’t given up on me there.

 Yet.

Love falls

You know you love her….

If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be with her. But since you’re only a human being with variable emotions, you might be inclined to love her in all the wrong ways.
A healthy, happy relationship can transform into a destructive one if you treat her less than how she deserves to be treated.
Nonetheless, I hope you try to love her right. I hope you cast every ray of awareness upon your love for her. I hope you know that awareness is what keeps a relationship strong.
I want you to remember how she looked when you first laid eyes on her. She was everything you longed for. Be it her beauty, her wild nature, her sense of humor or her independence, there’s something about her you haven’t found in anyone else.
And what floored you the most was her completeness.

If you love her, keep her this way. Keep her beautiful, keep her wild, keep her complete.

While she’s the master of her own fate, I wish you understood that you play a major role in her life. How you treat her determines how she views herself—you can make her shine or make her feel lost. She’s a statue in your hands and she only hopes to be held with vigilance.
If you love her, don’t destroy her.
Know that she was destroyed before and another destruction isn’t what she’s aiming for. If she’s with you, know that she has stepped over her fear and insecurities to be with you. She has stepped over her past and decided to give love another chance. She has entrusted you with the health of this relationship—and with her heart.
Don’t let her down.
You destroy her the moment you think you know her. She’s not a book you will eventually finish. She’s something yet to be discovered—so live every day as if you’re meeting her for the first time.
Be present. Nothing destroys her more than your emotional absence. You can sit with her all day long and not really be there, yet you can be so far away and be completely present.
Stimulate her thoughts, her emotions, her being. Dive into her soul like you’d dive into an ocean.
Know that you’ll wreck her if she ever felt you need her rather than want her. You’ll destroy every inch of her if you only love her when loneliness creeps up on you. Because she seeks your love in all moments, not just when your fears and insecurities strike.
I know that your own past sufferings may have destroyed you. But don’t love her just so she can carry your emotional baggage with you. Don’t love her if you only want her to fix you. Know that she will, with time, without you even knowing.
Her love and existence will heal every part of you. But if you are with her solely to fill the emptiness inside you, she will know—and it will destroy her.
And remember, she doesn’t want to be fixed either. Maybe she opened up to you and told you about her painful past. Perhaps you know the exact number of pieces she was turned into. But she didn’t tell you so you would fix her—she only told you so you can know what she endured and how it made her who she is today.
She wants you to acknowledge that your actions toward her—actions motivated by love, understanding and patience—are what matter.
Don’t treat her like a broken woman. She is complete with all her pieces, even though they may still be scattered everywhere. Embrace them with her—just don’t add to them. Make her see why she went through destructive relationships in the past. Make her realize that she went through the “worst” so she could appreciate the “better” that you are.
If you love her, love her with all her flaws and insecurities. She is as imperfect as you are and she only hopes to share that imperfection with you. She wants to undress her soul in front of you and be utterly herself.
She wants to be the same way with you that she is in the mirror—crazy, wild and free. If you’re not ready to accept her as she is, you will destroy her.
If you love her, build her up because she will be doing the same for you. Know that whatever effort you put in, she will be putting in double.
If you show her the moon, she’ll show you the entire galaxy.
If you take her to a well, she’ll introduce you to the ocean.
If you treat her right, she’ll love you more.
If you love her well, she’ll never forget you.
Author: https://www.facebook.com/elyaneyoussef

I just made you up to hurt myself – And it worked.Yes it did.

When I am with him, I can be the happiest person in the world, or the most melancholy. When I see his face, it lights up my life. And then his disposition changes dark. And I feel so little, so insignificant. So pushed out. There’s nothing I can do. I literally am nothing. I can’t change anything. I don’t know if I ever will be able to.

Sometimes it feels so natural. Like we’ve always be around each other. And then, I want to grab his hand and lay my head on his arm, but I don’t know if I am allowed to. I don’t know if I’ll be breaking any rules in public. 

Other times, I feel so distant. Like why am I even here? Why did he ask me over? He isn’t even paying attention to me. Not talking to me. I try to make small talk, and he still trails off and doesn’t pay attention. I’m just not that important.

He never touches me. I don’t know what is allowed, and what isn’t. The rare times he has touched me, it felt so intense​, so natural. But it was just once or twice. 

There is no you, there is only me.. 

Dying breed

The whole facade of marriage makes me sick. You spend thousands of dollars for a ten minute ceremony, that you literally do not remember because the day is so rushed, and it is just a show for people you can not stand, people you will not talk to in two years, a person you will eventually divorce in time.

No one gets their Cinderella wedding and happily ever after.

My first wedding was at​ the Justice of the peace. It was horrible. Tee shirt and jeans. I wanted more. It was not how I wanted it to be. It was not my dream wedding. Husband cheated. Divorce.

My second wedding was absolutely beautiful. Gorgeous dress. Hair and makeup ​professionally done. Cake. Rolls-Royce get away car. Abusive husband. Divorce pending.

I don’t want to be married again. 

I just want a loyal partner. Someone who treats me as an equal. Someone who loves me. Someone faithful to me.  An honest man who wouldn’t lie to me. I don’t need a piece of paper to tie me to that person. Or a ring. I don’t need a ten thousand dollar ceremony or even a JP visit to proclaim my love. 

All I want is to be loved. But that seems to be a dying breed.

If I can’t have that, I’d rather be alone.

While she sleeps

One of the best feelings in the world is cuddling up next to someone as you’re sleeping. I had forgotten what this had felt like, as it had been so long since I had shared a bed with anyone, nor wanted to. 

I climbed into his bed early this morning, my back still killing me from the damage my husband had done. I curled up next to him and fell asleep. I’ve always had issues not sleeping in my own bed, but with him, I feel at ease. 

An hour and a half later, I feel his touch and I awake. Just a short nap, but I feel like it’s the most sleep I’ve had in ages. I had no problem falling or staying asleep. 

I feel so at home in his arms.