Highly suspect

I’m cornered in fire so break out the secrets

I hope you know that you were worth it all along

I’m tired, you’re angry, and everyone looks blurry

I love you, I’m leaving; so long

Hey, little one

I’m so scared of what this could have been

I know that today I lost my only friend

My little one

The places I took you, they seem so fucking empty

I have trouble going anywhere at all

Especially my own bedroom

And it stays awake to haunt me

So passed out, black out, drunk in another bathroom stall

Hey, little one

I’m so scared of what this could have been

I know that today I lost my only friend

How long must I justify my pain through these songs?

How long, how long?

It’s raining, it’s sunny

It doesn’t make a difference

I don’t care about anything at all

Hey little one

My mother used to read me the bedtime stories. Sleeping beauty was awoke by her prince. Belle fell in love with the beast. Cinderella found prince charming. Ariel met prince Eric. 

She would kiss me goodnight and flip off the light. Then my older brother would peek down from the top bunk and say, ‘you know those stories are bullshit right? That’s not how they end.’ I never believed him until I was old enough to look up the real versions of the stories.

Eric marries another woman and Ariel can’t break the spell that is cast on her so she dies. Belle gets eaten by the beast. Cinderella’s sisters cut off their toes to fit in the glass slipper out of jealousy. Sleeping beauty gets raped in her sleep.

That sounds more like real life. 

I was never scared of the monster in the closet. My brother told me about him. Mother told me he wasn’t there, but I heard brother talk to him often. He told brother what to do. He stayed​ with brother a long time. He followed brother into the Navy when he left. I never saw the monster myself, but I knew he was there. 

When brother came back from the Navy, the monster had changed him. Six months after his return, the monster took my brothers life.

I’m now terrified of the monster in the closet. I feel his eyes on me every night. As I’m falling asleep, I feel his breath on my neck. Waiting…

I have so much to say but you’re so far away

Love is this beautiful, stupid fucking thing sometimes. It leaves you cold, damp, and alone on the floor, dry heaving tears and blood for no reason at all. It makes you realize that you are utterly and completely alone in this world. There is no knight in shining armor. No one is coming to save you from your demons. 

You are your own savior.

You are the only one that can pick yourself up and put the pieces back together. You can’t rely on anyone else to do it for you. There’s no one coming to get you. Your ride didn’t show up. No guardian angel. No sisters of mercy. No red string of fate. 

No fucking soulmate.

So why are we taught from such a young age to love, and marry and look for our significant other, when we are just bred to be used and abused? Oh, you met on tinder? Great one night stand. Call for a hook up. Not looking for a serious relationship. No commitments here. Just looking to party. Booty call. DTF. 

Where have all gentlemen gone? What the fuck happened to our society? What happened to dating? Relationships? Commitment? Love? Does it mean nothing anymore? 

Why am I so fucking alone in this fucked up world?

Shallow skin, I can paint with pain

I slid off the examination table and cried out in pain. The nurse ran to my side and asked if I was alright. Did I need help? I assured her, I was alright. ‘I just slept wrong.’ 

But I hadn’t just slept wrong.

I was at my weekly testing to find out what is causing me my normal pain, I did not want to get into details with these people about the abuse I’m going through at home.

As I was grabbing laundry out of the basket this morning, my husband decided to give me a swift kick, right to my spine. Added to my normal pain, I can barely stand, let alone walk today. He justified himself by saying it was for me not putting up said laundry. 

So I sit, in excruciating pain now. Waiting for this appointment to end. Waiting for this doctor is always endless. His hateful words ringing in my ears. 

Take my breath away

He came out of the bathroom in a towel, and of course he had the irresistible after shower hair. He lays beside me on the bed. I laid my head on his shoulder and stroked his chest. Why can I not resist this man? Why does he do this to me? 

He holds me tightly, and runs his hand down my back. I gasp as he grabs me hard. He knows just how to touch me. Just what I like. 

And then, he kisses me. The most passionate kiss I think I have ever had. He has never kissed me like this. His hand caressing my face, leaving me breathless… 

I felt every inch of him within me. This time it’s so sensual, pure fucking ecstasy. It’s always been different with him, he’s always been good to me, but this time was bliss. If I could feel heaven, this is what is was like. No more pain. No more worry. Just sheer pleasure. 

This man, this beautiful man, is going to be the death of me.

I am your butterfly, I need your protection- be my samurai

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let it end that way. I couldn’t be in a world without him. And I couldn’t be in a place where he would not exist. 

Of course he didn’t mean what he said. 

I didn’t mean to say goodbye. 

I sit and wait, again, at his house. Waiting… Always waiting for him. Is this what it’s come to for me? I would rather wait a thousand years than to ever let him go again. 

I stare at the mark on my wrist, a mistake I almost made. A bright red mark that I just keep subconsciously scratching at. No one has noticed it yet. No one looks at me, really. I’m thankful that they don’t. I don’t want the attention. I don’t want to have to explain.

It wasn’t​ just because of him. It’s also the torment I go through at home. And it’s also the daily pain I have. No one understands how badly I hurt. I cover it so well. My medications stopped working so long ago. The doctor already prescribed me the strongest ones. 

I had to be honest with him, so I told him what I had tried to do. He was worried. Upset. But I am glad I told him. I need him to protect me. I need him to help me. 

I just need him.

Everything ends

The tub fills with water. As I typed the words ‘ I can’t do this anymore, goodbye…’ tears rolled down my cheek. I slipped into the tub. I pressed the send button. More tears. And then the reply: ‘whatever.’ 

I couldn’t hold back the convulsions of tears. I grabbed the knife and sliced. I laid back and watched the water run red. All I wanted was to be loved, to be cared for. I felt life slipping away…

Goodbye, love. I will always love you.

I am nothing

It’s dead quiet. I told him how I felt. And as I suspected, he’s not ready for a relationship. I can’t say I’m not surprised. I’ve never been lucky in love. I don’t know if this will change things. 

I feel nothing inside. Empty. Emotionless. I thought I would be terrified to tell him, but I felt an odd sense of calm as I typed everything out. And then, nothing. I feel absolutely nothing. 

As I lay here staring the ceiling in the dark, I wonder if he will ever love me the way I love him? Will he ever feel the way I do, so strongly? Will I ever get pulled so tightly in his arms for that passionate kiss? Will I ever hear him tell me he loves me? Or how beautiful I am to him? How he can’t be without me? 

Probably not. I am nothing. 

Give in to the voice inside your head

I crawled in bed with him again this morning. I rubbed his back and waited for him to wake up. We worked on the mustang again. But all day I had this overwhelming sense of wanting more. More of what I could not have. Something right in front of me that l could not touch. 

He noticed I was down today, he held me close. He kissed my shoulders. I cried as I laid there. I just wanted to tell this man that I loved him. And I couldn’t. He doesn’t love me. I feel like I am just a time filler for him. 

And it is fucking killing me. 

Everything is closing in around me, at home and with him, and I am at a fucking standstill that I have no idea how to crawl out of. I want so much to make him happy, but he doesn’t want me really. I realize this. I fucking fell in love with someone, and chased him for six years, and he doesn’t love me. I am just his friend. And now it hurts just to see him.

And to my husband, I am just a punching bag. 

I’m at the point of no return of giving up, of just giving in to the pain.

Dog day sunrise

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss my little one. Twelve years ago, I decided I needed a companion, so the guy I was with at the time set up a meeting with a breeder and we went to look at puppies. I already knew I wanted a Chinese Crested. They were unique, and they looked like little rock stars. 

I instantly fell in love with my little man. I carried him in my hoodie pocket every day until he outgrew it. He was a talkative pup. He would howl, and talk back. My ex wasn’t very nice him. He would yell at him all the time. He grew timid. Not long after, I left.

We lived with my mother for a while. Those were the good times. He ran and played with her pup. They chased the cats. They dug holes in the yard. He was a happy pup. Then I got married and moved. My husband was an ass to him. He would yell all the time, and spank him for no reason. 

I’m now on my second marriage. My little man passed away a month ago. I could kill my husband for how he and his family treated my baby. They never accepted him. He was diagnosed with diabetes and became blind, so he would bump into things. Instead of being understanding, they would kick him out of the way, and scream at him for being blind. They bruised his ribs, which never healed. His foot was broken from being kicked. Even after I told them how mistreated he always was, they didn’t care. It was a constant argument, someone was always yelling at, or about the dog. 

Now that he’s gone, it’s all directed towards me. Always me…

I miss him.